I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
