My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
