So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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