handjob tips. give me some.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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