the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
