I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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