if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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