The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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