His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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