u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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