just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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