My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
