last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
