i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
