Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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