drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
