I think im going to throw up on grandma
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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