Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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