My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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