fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
