You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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