My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
