she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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