My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
my liver is dry heaving
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
