I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
