Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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