I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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