yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
