He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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