So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
