you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
