All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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