So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
