Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Someone shit on the floor
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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