We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
