Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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