fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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