My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
