Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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