True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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