We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
