I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
