i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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