There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
