so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
