I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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