in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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