____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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