i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
