please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
