he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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