your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
