I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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