I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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