Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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