I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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