I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
